What is one thing you wish you could go back and say to yourself when you were at your lowest?
I wish I could go back and tell myself that there is more to life than being thin. I constantly thought that if I reached a certain weight or looked a certain way I could finally be happy or have accomplished some sort of goal. But I wish I could explain to my past self that when you have an eating disorder, there will never be enough. I would never be “done”. I would never be thin enough or sick enough. I also spent a lot of time being really hopeless about the future. So I would also tell myself that I will make new amazing friends, have a summer full of incredible memories, and get my life back because of recovery.
What is one thing you are still struggling with?
I still struggle with a lot of aspects of my eating disorder. I am in recovery, and it doesn’t consume me or take up my whole life anymore, but it still does affect me. It never magically disappeared as much as I wish it would. For me, I have months of doing amazing with eating and feeling great about my body. And I also have moments, usually when I feel out of control with my own life, where the eating disorder voice in my head returns and it becomes harder to eat. So I guess right now my biggest struggle is not returning to using starving as a coping mechanism when things get hard.
Who was your biggest support system through your eating disorder recovery?
When my eating disorder started to get bad, I isolated myself very seriously so I didn’t allow a lot of support in my life at the time. My family was very supportive but because I isolated so much I didn’t really lean on them during that time. The person who helped me the most was definitely my therapist. My eating disorder caused me to shut down and lie a lot so for a really long time she was the only person I was honest with and really opened up to. She comforted me but also pushed me and was tough with me because she wouldn’t let me go on with my eating disorder. She really stood up for me and helped me through recovery and if it wasn’t for her I’m not sure I could have done it.
What is one thing that is not spoken about enough about anorexia?
Some things that are not spoken enough about anorexia are how it is not always just about losing weight or looking thin. For me, that was largely how it started but starving myself became a coping mechanism and gave me a sense of control. It is a lot more than a disorder just about food and weight. Also, in the height of my eating disorder, I changed a lot as a person. I pushed people away, I was aggressive and irritable and lied a lot. I think people do not realize how ugly it can get and how much it can change someone.
Can you describe some self-care habits that help you cope?
One of the biggest things about anorexia is that you neglect your health and taking care of yourself — so one of my biggest shifts was not only eating more but also taking care of myself in other ways. For me, this was developing a night routine , showering more often, having a better skin care routine, keeping my room clean, going on walks, and journaling. All of these habits made a huge shift in my mood. Any acts of self care are a great start because they are a way of prioritizing yourself, especially since so much of anorexia is punishing yourself.
What is your favorite part of your life that you got back in recovery?
My favorite part of my life that I got back in recovery is definitely my friendships and social life. I would say one of the worst parts of my eating disorder was how much it made me isolate myself. Now, I am constantly with my friends who make me so happy. Now that I am in recovery, I can go out, eat with my friends, have sleepovers, and just let myself enjoy. I have made the best memories since no longer letting my eating disorder control my actions.
Who keeps you inspired in recovery?
One of my favorite tiktokers is Caroline Lusk, she is also in anorexia recovery and is a big mental health advocate, and she has kept me so inspired in recovery. The person who I would say keeps me most inspired is my one of my best friends who is also in recovery. We support each other and push each other and having someone around who always gets it is so helpful. I always remind myself of how far she has come and how proud I am of her recovery and that I should feel that same way about myself. I want to treat my body the way I want my best friend to treat hers and that keeps me inspired.
What signs should people look for in a loved one who may be struggling with anorexia?
A lot of people think the biggest/only sign of an eating disorder is weight loss but it is much more complicated than that. I would say the biggest signs are isolation, irritability, avoidance of food, tiredness, and a disinterest in things that a person would usually enjoy.
What do you do when you feel a relapse may be coming?
When I feel a relapse may be coming, I make sure to be honest about it with my therapist and family. My eating disorder progressed a lot because of all my dishonesty. I also try to pinpoint why I think this may be happening — and usually there is a clear reason. I also practice the habits that helped me at the beginning of my recovery. For me, these are journaling, setting timers on my phone for meal times, and taking extra time for self care.
How can we talk about anorexia without triggering others?
I think because anorexia can be competitive, a conversation about anorexia should be one with as little details as possible. Especially numbers. Numbers of calories you ate in a day, a weight you reached, an amount of time you went without eating, should NEVER be part of the conversation. Also photos of bodies can be very triggering. The conversation should be focused on the mental toll anorexia takes and more about how to help yourself than how sick you were.
What kinds of dialogue do you find triggering and unhelpful for those who are recovering?
Like I said, dialogue with too detailed descriptions or pictures is very triggering and unhelpful. A conversation on recovery should not be a detailed description of the height of someone's sickness or a map of steps taken that made you sicker. When someone in recovery shares a story about something they did while struggling, a person who is still struggling may use that as a tip or something they will try themselves, which is why it is never a good idea to share too many of those details.