What is one thing you wish you could go back and say to yourself when you were at your lowest?
I wish I could go back and tell myself it wasn’t worth it. I thought that somewhere in my eating disorder I would feel satisfied or like I had accomplished something. But that “perfection” doesn't exist so it was just an endless cycle. I also wish I could have told myself to get help earlier. I waited and waited to get help because I didn't think I was ‘sick’ enough and that it would be embarrassing to ask for help if I hadn't lost a certain amount of weight. Unhealthy eating patterns was just a shield against what I was going through emotionally, and I wish I could have gone back and told myself to be brave and work with those issues - but progress takes time!
What is one thing you are still struggling with?
I definitely still go through my times of restricting either because of stress, anxiety, or just old memories. It can be easy to fall into old patterns when you're overwhelmed so I am really careful to give myself the proper attention and relaxation I need.
Who was your biggest support system through your eating disorder recovery?
I kept my eating disorder private for so long because I figured as soon as I told someone, I would lose my coping mechanism. My boyfriend at the time was so helpful. It was really nice to have someone just validate my feelings and be there for me. When I did reach out for help, I was so grateful that I had such a supportive family that really pushed me to get the help I needed and guided me when I didn't think I was going to recover.
What is one thing that is not spoken about enough about eating disorders?
I think there are a lot of health issues that people don't think about when they think about the kinds of eating disorders that are portrayed in the media, but other than that, people do not talk about how damaging it can be for all of your relationships around you. I really regret the way I treated so many people when I was struggling.
Can you describe some self-care habits that help you cope?
Throughout recovery, art and journaling has been absolutely amazing. Art really allows you to go into and explore a feeling without pushing it away.
What is your favorite part of your life that you got back in recovery?
I really bonded with some of the closest people in my life over food and trying new things! Now, my friends and family and I make travel plans around food and consider it a type of nurturing and self love.
Who keeps you inspired in recovery?
I would say mostly my best friends keep me inspired in recovery. It really upset me to see how much pain I caused while struggling myself.
What signs should people look for in a loved one who may be struggling with an eating disorder?
I think people should look for signs of sensitivity around others' eating habits, aggravated or difficult decision making when talking about food, and avoiding vulnerable conversations.
What do you do when you feel a relapse may be coming?
Like most things, a relapse can be slow and steady. Sometimes I'll notice little intrusive thoughts and then a small action a week later. I find that as soon as I can recognize a thought or feeling and sit with that thought or feeling, it can pass through like a storm. Blocking out feelings never worked for me, they only built up.
How can we talk about eating disorders without triggering others?
Since eating disorders are so competitive, I think talking about specifics (numbers, ugw, etc) can be really triggering. I think instead, we should dig a little deeper into our feelings around our eating disorders, because I've noticed how much I have in common with people that way.