- What is one thing you wish you could go back and say to yourself when you were at your lowest?
I wish I could tell my past self that I am worth so much more than my body. That food is not the enemy, and that there was nothing wrong with me. The media is so quick to deliver an impression that there is something wrong with us, yet something it doesn’t express is that there is beauty in difference. Before I decided to commit to recovery, I thought I had to work to get to my smallest point in order to feel true happiness. However, that was definitely not the case, and I have learned that there are so many areas in my life where I should focus on instead. I actively work towards building better relationships, a better environment, and overall a higher mindset. With that, it surprisingly feels a whole lot better to focus on fueling my body properly every day, and work on getting stronger (both physically and mentally) rather than smaller. With recovery comes hardships, just like any shift in lifestyle, however so does empowerment. I wish I could show my old self how working towards my well being every day has contributed to my mood, my friendships, opportunities, energy levels, and my overall ability to take on anything. Although the road is not perfect, recovery really is the best thing I could have chosen for myself in the long run.
- What is one thing you are still struggling with?
Body image has been a huge challenge that I unfortunately still struggle with. It is fairly easy to compare oneself, and it is something most people unfortunately struggle with. It is hard to not notice these natural changes in my body, not only because of recovery, but because I am growing into a grown woman. It is a transition we all go through, however, it can be challenging to understand that we are constantly growing and changing. Going forward, I have coped with this by shifting my focus to the positives I have gained, and by reminding myself that body dysmorphia is a real thing that exists within us. As I have found myself comparing myself to what I looked like one or two years ago, I made myself the promise to try and recognize how much I have improved. That is, allowing myself to go out with friends and really share moments with my family; as one may not realize that consumption of an eating disorder does pull you away from those times that are so precious in life. There are so many days that I forget how much happier I am now, knowing that is okay. Deep down I know that I have chosen well, chosen what resonates with my success. Recovery does not mean misery: that is something I have noticed we all misinterpret. On a deeper level, recovery is retrieving your life back: having a natural glow, developing your personality, even having the brain energy to do the things you never thought you could before. These are the things I strive to remind myself whenever I have a poor body image day (which we all experience from time to time). Separating my ED voice from my thoughts has helped that body image as well. In the end, I can confidently tell you that we are not our eating disorder, and you are 100% capable of gaining your life back.
-Who keeps you inspired in recovery?
There are many people who contribute to my determination to recover. However, the top people who help me the most are my best friend, and my therapist. It is so important to surround yourself with people who genuinely support your every step while still giving you that push when you feel unmotivated. As for my best friend, Gigi, she is always ready to support me whenever I feel down about this whole process. She is not one to judge, and validates every one of my feelings: good or bad. This may seem so small, but she is one of the little people who will go get a fear food with me, stay on the phone if I need company, and really sit down to bring my back to reality. She knows how to hype me up and make me feel beautiful, and also has known me long enough to recognize my wins with me. Which in my opinion, is so incredibly crucial to have when recovering. My therapist on the other hand, is expectedly someone who does help as well. For anyone entering the recovery process, I highly recommend (if accessible) seeing specialist who is fully educated in this realm. She has worked with me every step of the way, aiding my setbacks and supporting me with any steps I have had to take. I have built a unique relationship with her, which is so comforting to have. Believing anyone could use therapy, mine has taught me more than I ever thought. She points out details in my life that I never would have thought to examine. Meaning, any occurrences that may have caused a behavior/ setback. Having her has been so incredibly contributing to my recovery and I could not recommend a therapist or even a dietitian enough. Professional guidance has you close to confident throughout the process and that is so crucial for the best success!
- What do you do when you feel a relapse may be coming?
I have dealt with small relapses before. And they are not fun. I acknowledge it feels like you are back in square one and there is no point in trying anymore. However, that is never a good solution. I love to journal on why I feel like restricting, as putting it on paper makes me realize how that is not the clear solution. It is going back to the root problem- am I feeling stressed? Am I mad at someone? Is it my own head telling me I am unworthy for some reason? I like to take care of myself the most in these moments. It is so simple, however, getting my favorite food, my nails done, hanging out with my best friends, taking a bath, or even just texting my therapist. All these things (and more) bring me back to the little joys in life; those that make recovery so worth it. I remind myself of how far I have come in my healing, and that getting back up will benefit me not only right now, but when I am older. My health is so important to me, and moving along with recovery is what is going to get me good health in the future- never want to jeopardize that. It is normal to come across relapse in recovery, but we can look at it in a way to come back stronger, and not a reason to give up.